Why I hate newspapers

Is it wrong that I find myself reading less and less of the newspaper? I mean, I love newspapers but I just can't stand to spend time with them anymore. Reasons why:

• I'm a crotchety, jaded old man, years removed from the naive youngster that fell in love with a Chicago Tribune that was once mighty and different (and so, so blue) instead of bankrupt and the same as every other major newspaper in America.
  
• Because I am time-starved and stressed out and I just don't have the energy it takes to search for relevance. I do care about politics and governmental actions (and inactions) and what is going on in countries thousands of miles away. But I can't spend my precious time reading stories that don't show me why I should care. I used to be able to make that effort. I'm too tired now.
  
• They are boring.
  
• They are humorless. People who think they write funny generally don't. Leo Ebersole of Tribune's RedEye is the only funny person in Chicago newspapers since Steve Johnson is stuck writing about Internet trends.
  
• Comics suck. I love and respect the art form. But 9 out of 10 comic strips are shockingly unfunny, dull, or terribly drawn. Sometimes they are all three. For the most part, the humor is the equivalent of a grade school book of riddles.
  
• There is not enough watchdog journalism. Thank you, Tribune, for pointing out corruption in University of Illinois admissions. At least you have this going for you.
  
• They just don't care. What are you doing, newspapers? You must change. You must...
  ...change the form of your stories--tell truthful stories that resonate with people and not fluffy portraits with lots of words;
  ...simply give us the data when that is all we want;
  ...come up with interesting new ways to tell stories instead of writing about the same things in the same way that I did in 1992;
  ...provide context and relevance to these stories you spend so much time on;
  ...meet the needs of those who you count on to support you; it's not about Pulitzers, it's about service to readers.

On a more positive note, what I do like about newspapers: Sports. I like sports columnists. I like inside information. I like specific minutiae like baseball box scores.

And I like, despite their weak efforts at times, that newspapers haven't given up. That a bunch of passionate, hard-working people still produce this daily miracle I hold in my hands every day. Please, the lot of you, don't give up.

I won't either.